I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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