you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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