Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
