Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
