You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
