So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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