The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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