you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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