It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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