dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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