Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
