Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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