I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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