There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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