Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
