My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
