awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
