I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My bed smells like the plague
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