It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize