Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(817): View more from Texas

did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?

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(916): View more from California

That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame

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(949): View more from California

I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs

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