i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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