I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
