you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i believe in u and ur pee
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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