Jerry, you need to find god
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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