i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
