When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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