my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
