Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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