I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
