Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
