you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
pray to the hookup gods
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
