God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
