i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
