I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
