He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
