I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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