having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants