Texts From Last Night

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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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  (540): Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh. http://tfl.nu/suhk
  Replies (15) Good night (6093) Bad night (1034)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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  (937): A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/4mc3
  Replies (16) Good night (2760) Bad night (920)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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  (541): i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts. http://tfl.nu/e6qn
  Replies (5) Good night (2198) Bad night (618)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.

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  (419): I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one. http://tfl.nu/6e70
  Replies (6) Good night (546) Bad night (1154)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"

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  (812): They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage" http://tfl.nu/yp3v
  Replies (5) Good night (1275) Bad night (783)
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  (530): View more from California

  My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

  (916): View more from California

  That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

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  (530): My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo. (916): That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone. http://tfl.nu/d9c7
  Replies (1) Good night (2134) Bad night (574)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.

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  (971): It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth. http://tfl.nu/pavc
  Replies (5) Good night (390) Bad night (784)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow

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  (303): I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow http://tfl.nu/wseu
  Replies (2) Good night (1094) Bad night (356)
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  (786): View more from Florida

  tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.

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  (786): tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected. http://tfl.nu/x54o
  Replies (1) Good night (410) Bad night (531)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..

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  (828): btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits.. http://tfl.nu/2wvn
  Replies (10) Good night (396) Bad night (972)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him

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  (617): We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him http://tfl.nu/mgdf
  Replies (8) Good night (728) Bad night (547)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.

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  (406): Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around. http://tfl.nu/38zv
  Replies (1) Good night (450) Bad night (255)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.

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  (202): Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date. http://tfl.nu/o77i
  Replies (9) Good night (370) Bad night (1360)
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  (559): View more from California

  Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

  (707): View more from California

  Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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  (559): Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!" (707): Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war. http://tfl.nu/84el
  Replies (6) Good night (1459) Bad night (334)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.

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  (615): I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight. http://tfl.nu/a4mq
  Replies (2) Good night (831) Bad night (285)

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