You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed