The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't want my vagina anymore.