So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
