just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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