I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
