Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
