when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
