someone threw a dead crab at me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
