I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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