from now on my penis is your penis
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
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So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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