Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
a search helicopter?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
