i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Four minutes until I can fart!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
