Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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