Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
