A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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