I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I love you. Go after that dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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