Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
