The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my shit smells like andre
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
