ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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