I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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